Okay, so it's the end of the school year (pretty much), which entails a lot of unwanted nostalgia for things that happened about two months ago, summer goals, and complete negligence of anything it takes to reach those goals. Basically, it's the time of year when I tell myself I'll get out of bed at seven every morning to run and end up just waking up at ten and eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch straight from the box as I watch last night's episode of Parks and Rec in my pajamas.
It's been a good year for me, and not in just that I've met great people and genuinely enjoyed the past twelve months of my existence, but I feel sort of old-twenties-songy? And it's almost this sick-to-my-stomach sweetness, like the kind you feel after you've eaten a shitload of baked goods. I don't really know how to deal with that feeling because I'm sad that it's ending. It's this weird fear that I'm not going to feel the same sort of happiness or smile the same way or have the same laugh lines or something. I like where I am right now and I'm worried that the next year will only disappoint.
It's like when you go to your favorite restaurant and every time you order the same dish because YOU KNOW this is the only dish for you. Nothing else will live up to this. But eventually your friend or whoever else you eat with convinces you to try something new and so you try that bruschetta or whatever that you've been eyeing, but not without hesitation, because your expectations are extraordinarily high. And it's the best thing you've ever had. And you wonder why you wasted the past three years only eating that panini thing when you could've been trying all these other wonderful things.
I'm not talking about food. But I clearly need more metaphors to describe my life than just food.
What I'm saying is I'm in this weird state where I want things to slow down. I want to be the person I am right now for a while. I want to stay here for a while and I want to hear my life from this month in a year from now when I listen to old songs. But I also know I'll be okay if I try that bruschetta. Mainly I want the literal sick-to-my-stomach feeling to go away because I actually ate about three brownies today and I'm paying for it now.
